Dear Sister Randy,

I sometimes fantasize (while pleasuring myself) that I'm a woman (I'm a man) and that I'm making love to myself. I guess I'm not really confessing a sin but you've helped so many other people that I thought you could help me understand the nature of this particular fantasy.

Narcissistic, Hermaphroditic Fantasy

Dear "Narcissistic, Hermaphroditic Fantasy",

This is just an elaborate form of masturbation (see "Slap Happy" for more info). If you dressed your hand up in a Malibu Barbie outfit and painted your fingernails red then the true nature of your fantasy will reveal itself. However, I'd like to suggest a variation that I find particularly helpful and which you may find amusing:

You are a nun (like myself for instance) and you are transported through space and time into the body of an Alien Transsexual Tribulite. Each hair follicle of these magnificent creatures is a sexual organ capable of achieving its own independent orgasm. A mere breeze can stimulate 1000's of these follicles resulting in a transcendental tidal wave of thousands of simultaneous orgasms.

The male of this species is a small spider-like organism. When mating, thousands of these spider-like males crawl onto the body of the female. There is one spider-male for each hair follicle of the much larger female. The males then proceed to simultaneously stimulate all the hair follicles resulting in the Universes most multiply orgasmic orgasm. The passionate energy released is equivalent to a class 3 red giant star going super nova or approximately 3 to the 26th Joules.

Your body is a temple - ask for donations.

God helps those who help themselves (to the mashed potatoes)

Amen,
Sister Randy