Dear Sister Randy,
Is masturbation a sin?
Dear Slap Happy,
In my many years of sexual isolation at the nunnery, deep in the woods of West Dickshire, I learned many tricks with which to wile away the tedium - masturbation, of course, being chief among them. It is a celebration of God's sexual gift and the sacrament of orgasm brings one into intimate contact with the Holy Spirit.
In addition, "The Pillar of Fire" and "The Burning Bush" are clearly biblical references to acts of personal salivation.
No sin here. Go forth, be fruitful and multiply (or at least flush it down the toilet).
Don't be so hard on yourself (unless you like that sort of thing).